The Zombie Apocalypse Is Upon Us

The monsters are all around us. Our neighbours have turned into pitiless, mindless horrors. These puppet creatures cannot be reasoned with; they are motivated only by their need to consume.

I’m talking of course about the English electorate. I’ve heard lots of arguments about how we have to be kind to each other now, and we do. But we also have to recognise that 36% of the electorate decided that the deficit was more important than people. We also have to recognise that homophobic racists constitute the third biggest electoral group in the country.

So I hope I’m not alone in keeping a careful eye on my neighbours just now.

Rather than give up and slide into a morass of fear and defeatism, I am going to make my survival plan. The apocalypse can only take those who are not prepared! I am going to Tory-proof my home and my family.

Now Tory-proofing is pretty easy if you have a household income of above £100 000. You will be able to afford private healthcare, private schools for your kids, hell, you can probably even afford to buy into a private militia as well. You might miss your human rights and your fire department, but generally, things aren’t going to be too bad for you.

For the rest of us, we are going to have to take steps to weather not just the next five years, but the damage they will do afterwards.

I will post my plans here, so we can all be safe.

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The Zombie Apocalypse Is Upon Us

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